That Russian Dude With a Weird Name

'Two years ago, I’d had enough.'

Two years ago, I’d had enough.

So I changed my name.

After a lifetime of being called Sergio or Surgery or Sirjay or (ugh) Sir Gay, which is how Americans pronounce my name, I decided I didn’t want to be seen as That Russian Dude With a Weird Name.

(The only Sergeys or Sergeis I’d ever met were usually unsmiling NYC cab drivers.)

So I dropped the y.

What used to be Sergey became Serge.

It has a nice French-sounding quality.

Pronounced as sur-j. Or surge. It has a ring, some power. It looks like the name of a fashion brand. (“I got this nice blouse at SERGE!”)

Hell, there’s even an IPA at the bar where I live in London called SERGE. Every time I order it, I say, “Give a pint of SERGE for Serge!”

The bartender usually gives me a tired smile, as in, When are you going to stop saying that?

Still, when Masha and I got together, she kept asking what my last name meant.

It’s Faldin. Not really Russian, but sort of a mix between Russian-Polish-Jewish, sounding — for some reason — quite Spanish.

La falda means skirt in Spanish.

In Russian, it means a folded part of a curtain or any textile.

So I grew up thinking I carried with me a legacy of fashion designers.

Whenever I thought of my ancestors, I imagined smart, industrious people sewing clothes for the Polish–Lithuanian Commonwealth in the 16th century during the Polish Golden Age.

Who knew — perhaps there was some inheritance or a connection to the elite I didn’t know about.

I told Masha as much, an attempt at making her think, “Oh wow. This guy has connections!”

But even in that first month of our relationship, she nodded the way she does when she hears a pile of BS. Then she took out her phone and googled the meaning of my last name in Russian.

After a brief pause, she started laughing, suffocating, the way she does, even when the thing in question isn’t that hilarious.

“What’s so funny?”

I was annoyed she was making fun of my royal heritage.

She showed me the phone.

The very first link, a website called Dicpedia, said: FALDIN = ERECT MALE ORGAN.

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When, months later, I told this story to my British colleague, he said, “So wait. Your full name means Sir Gay Erect Penis?”

“No,” I replied, clearing my throat. “It’s Serge Erect Penis.”

Seems like no matter how much I try, I am still and always will be That Russian Dude With a Weird Name.

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Just breaking off my summer break to let you know a few things

One.

My collection of essays is out. It’s called A Friend Among Strangers, and it consists of my most popular essays from 2024. If you ever enjoyed anything of what I’ve written – really, anything at all! – I’d appreciate it if you let me know what you think by leaving a review on Amazon. Unfortunately, capitalism is still the name of the game, and these reviews are bread and butter for marginal-indie-few-readers creators like me.

The Kindle version is now out. The paperback is soon to follow.

Two.

If you’re wondering why there aren’t any essays out lately, I hear you. You have every right to be angry and send me emails reminding me of what my name means. However, I am on a summer break, working hard (well, sort of) on my dissertation, which is a fancy word for a 15,000-word novella. Who knows, you might even get to see it one day…

In the fall, I plan to come back with new essays, new stories, and new crazy material.

But until that point…

Enjoy your summer.

Have a margarita.

Get a sunburn.

Stroke a dog.

Go to a concert.

Don’t break bones.

I’ll see you in September.

P.S. And if you get lonely, here’s my Instagram.