it doesn't have to start in january.
it doesn't have to start in january.
adults don't have resolutions.
i am one of those people who loves symbolism. when i used to be an overweight teenager, busy stuffing my face with cookies as if they were love, or when i was an anorexic teenager running away from eating as if it were fire, i would tell myself that things would (magically) be different on monday. next week, next month, next year, i’d change.
it feels so good to let the other, future serge, deal with all the shit i had going on. right now, i told myself, i just want to eat more than i should/doomscroll instagram/pretend i am a rich dude who doesn’t look at the check and pays for all his friends even though they never asked for it, but i want to buy their love anyway. if you think about it, being overweight, in debt, or having anxiety – with valid exceptions, sure – are symptoms of the same problem.
but the thing with those self-made promises is that you don’t see the “future you” in a realistic way. like parents who love their kids unconditionally, even – or especially – when they are total assholes and dickheads, you like to assume that the “future you” will somehow be 10 times better/stronger/wiser/smarter than the “current you.”
it’s the “current you” that wants to stuff their face with pizza. the “future you” wants to run a marathon.
it’s the “current you” that wants to smoke a pack of cigarettes (which the brits call “fags” – something i will probably never be comfortable with). the “future you” drinks kombucha and planks all day long.
it’s the “current you” that wants to masturbate over photos of your ex. the “future you” has more dignity and self-respect, they have moved on, and are confident members of society.
it reminds me of the old soviet joke – a young vovochka sits in school, listening to the teacher telling the wonders and joys of living in the ussr. suddenly, vovochka starts sobbing. “what happened?” the teacher asks. vovochka wipes off his face and says, “i want to live in ussr!”
the future you is brilliant, perfect, unattainable, and it gives us shit for the fact that we’re not it. after all, if all you have is the current moment, then all you have is the “current you.” as frank sinatra sang, “let’s forget about tomorrow for tomorrow never comes.”
and that’s the problem with new year’s resolutions – or any resolutions, for that matter: we are so obsessed with how we will be in the future, we have so much faith in that unrealistic person, that we pile up every single desire onto them. poor “future us”.
we want to overeat and fart and crawl around the apartment naked and drunk on dec 31st, but on jan 1, we want to start moving towards a great body and a nicer home and a better income and nurturing relationships and, and, and...
it’s the oldest story in the book. gym membership subscriptions skyrocket in december and february. in fact, most gyms oversell – meaning, they sell more subscriptions than they can afford to – because they know: most of the people who committed will stop coming by the end of february.
there are two truths we need to wrap our heads around. the first truth is that we’re always us. that idealistic “future you” – the image you constructed to motivate and guilt-trip yourself whenever you feel like it – is just that: an image. the second painful – but after a while, quite liberating – truth is that you are just a human being. and human beings have limits. in fact, you’re a limited human in a world of unlimited choices and opportunities. the limits imposed on you by the world are not just your physical capabilities but also emotional ones: what shrinks call “resource,” an umbrella term for our varying moods, feelings, and emotions. who is to say that on jan 1, especially after a night of overeating and farting and crawling around the apartment naked and drunk, you will have the emotional (and physical) strength to run a 10k? but you might have it tomorrow.
because this is another thing we – and by we, i mean me – often fall into: assuming that if we don’t do something now, we will never do it. as if if the diet/exercise regimen/practice/routine/habit/ritual wasn’t started on jan 1, it makes no sense to start it all.
but why? just because you need to de-prioritize certain things now, to take care of your health and well-being, or just to focus on something else, doesn’t mean you’ll never return to whatever you wanted to do.
i experience this every time i have too many ideas circling around in my head. i want to do projects a, b, and c, but then, quite quickly, i realize that i am feeling overwhelmed. and that feeling of being overwhelmed is a sure sign that you're stretching yourself too much, spreading yourself too thin, like marmite (which i absolutely hate because it tastes like car tires) on toast. humans are limited beings in an unlimited world, remember?
the sensible – adult – thing to do then is to prioritize, which is a verb that comes from a singular noun: priority. pick project a and put projects b and c on the back burner. let them wait their turn.
“but what if i never get to them?!” my mind screams. “what if i forget what a great idea i had?!”
well, then fuck that project. because if you forget to do something simply because you had other priorities or you couldn’t do everything at once because you’re only human (after all), then perhaps that tells you of the real (vs. imaginary) importance of that idea for you.
the liberating thought here is that whatever you do in life, something will have to give. when you walk right, you don’t walk left, and vice versa. when i write about one idea, i don’t write about a gazillion others, most of which are almost as good as the one i picked. how do you choose?
by trusting yourself. when you think that if you don’t do something now, you’ll never do it, that’s a sure sign of lack of self-trust and, if i am completely honest, a fragile ego. arrogant teenagers and immature adults who act like arrogant teenagers are like that. they want to be bloggers but also investors and own a company and have a café where they drink their smoothies and have a podcast, or actually two, and be a bestselling author, and run an ironman – and all before breakfast.
adults face reality. and reality is that you’re one tiny cute little ape-descendant bipedal animal that likes to overthink in a world filled with infinite choices and opportunities and goals and things to do. you can’t possibly do it all – nor should you, that’s not the point of life anyway – but you can pick something and commit yourself to it, perhaps for a period of time. the best lifehack i use when i begin anything new is to give the thing 4-6 months. if it doesn’t pan out or i lose interest, well, at least i’ve tried, and then i can move on to those other ideas i had.
adults trust themselves. they know that just because you are putting some idea or thought or project or goal in a backlog doesn’t mean you will never return to it. more than about doing things, adults care about doing things properly. and in many cases (in most cases, actually), doing something properly means giving it more time or waiting until the timing is right.
finally, adults don’t believe in new year’s resolutions. because they know: your real life doesn’t have to start on january 1st. it can start on march 3, april 24th, september 16th, or even on a thursday.
in other words: whenever you are truly ready and have the resource.
happy new year, folks.
– s
Q: You mentioned in one of your previous posts that you’re going through a breakup. I am sorry to hear that. I’ve been through breakups before and they suck. How do you cope?
A: my therapist told me recently that breakups tend to take around 6-12 months. not because that’s how much it takes to stop being with a person but because that’s how much it takes for our minds to realize: this is it, over, done, no more.
i noticed this to be true not just with breakups but with anything you do in therapy. when several years ago i was working through difficult emotions i had towards my parents, i only noticed the effects 6-9 months after my last therapy session. i call it the “mind lag”. so that would be the obvious but important first thing: time. i try not to do anything spectacular over these 6-12 months and just try to process this.
i also think there’s a lot unsaid about holidays and the general cycles of life we go through. the first monday without my wife was hard. so was the first time i fell asleep alone. then the first weekend. first vacation. first christmas. now, first new year. but the more time goes, the more social milestones you hit alone, by yourself, the more you realize: that this is, in fact, over. it helps your mind come to terms with reality, which is what all this breakuping up business is ultimately about. yes, it hurts. but on the other side of pain is evolution and rebirth. that’s how i try to think about it. by the time christmas 2024 hits, i will be in a much better place emotionally, i am sure. and i will be a different person.
to tie this with my post this week, going through a breakup right now is my “priority”. i try not to allow myself to think too much into the future or get ahead of myself. right now the only goal is to arrive, move from a to b. everything else can wait.
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