This New Year’s, I was in a bad state. My relationship tanked, and my sense of stability and the image of my future were destroyed. I needed to go somewhere, change the scenery, and switch the context. I had some money saved up, but as anyone who learned to save money can tell you, after being diligent about savings, it’s hard to start spending again. (Especially for someone like me, who used to spend way more than I made and is in constant fear of losing self-control again. Ha-ha.) But I kept scrolling Skyscanner every time I fell asleep, just looking at ticket prices and planning journeys I wasn’t sure I would ever take. That was telling me something, though I was still hesitant to do anything about it.
But one day at the end of December, I stopped thinking too much, opened Skyscanner one last time, and bought tickets to Spain for the next day. And once that was decided, I felt freedom and excitement.
I spent New Year’s in a plane. On January 1st, I woke up in sunny Malaga to +25C. I ran, breathed in the sea air, and had a hearty breakfast.
It was one of the best decisions I’ve made this year.
Another example. This last Saturday, I woke up and felt sad for no apparent reason. It was the weekend, and I didn’t have much to do. Sure, I made some plans to meet with friends, but sometimes you just feel lonely and sad no matter how many people exist. A week before, I had (finally) passed my UK driving test and wanted to feel that freedom of driving – the whole reason I passed the test in the first place.
You have to understand. I am not a big “car person”. I never cared about “engines” or “cool cars” or any of that. I couldn’t have given a rat’s ass about any of that. For a long time, I wasn’t sure I would be driving at all. I have lived in big cities all my life, and getting a car in London is useless. I remember telling my friends who passed their driving tests that I’d wait until cars become self-driving or take Ubers all my life.
But what I do love is the freedom that having a car brings. You can go anywhere. Be anywhere. And sometimes, you can be nowhere. Cruising on a highway to Lumineers or The National, feeling like all the world’s problems don’t matter, focused on the task, getting from A to B or maybe getting nowhere in particular.
I had a license, but I didn’t have a car. And again – I found myself obsessing over car rentals for no apparent reason. Renting a car in London is quite expensive. And as an unemployed creative person, I could probably use the money I would spend on the car for a few days. But something inside me said that I had to do it.
So I did it.
I went to the nearest rental and got a car. It turned out to be an almost brand-new black Mercedes GLA. I got inside, turned on my favourite music, and drove away.
And it felt fucking amazing.
I drove around London, picked up my friends, and spent the weekend just enjoying the expensive car and the freedom and confidence that driving brings. It was the best thing I did for myself in many weeks. You can always make more money. But you can’t put a price on experience, especially when you need one.
These examples might not seem like much. After all, it’s just “going on holiday” and “getting a car”. But they mattered to me because they came at a point when I needed them. Spotting when you need a metaphorical hug and to take care of yourself emotionally is a symptom of self-awareness and maturity.
Moreover, some of the best decisions I have made so far in my 25 years on this planet – decisions that made me truly happy, got me out of a rut, or put me in a better position in life – were made on a whim.
They were uncomfortable, irrational, or unnecessary decisions – at least on the outside. People would talk me out of it. They would tell me I’m stupid and shouldn’t bother. But something deep inside me always said, “Serge, you have to do this anyway.” And I would close my eyes (figuratively or, occasionally, literally) and prohibit myself from thinking too much about the future or the consequences and do it. The more I listen to that little voice telling me what I want – vs what’s “practical” or “rational” – the better I get at hearing it. It’s like a muscle.
That’s how I left college, where I studied business after 7 months and returned to Russia to start working. It led me to create a business and, eventually, move to London.
That’s how I got out of relationships that weren’t good for me and, eventually, found other relationships that were better.
And that’s how, occasionally, I can make myself a little bit happier, even with the tiny little things like going on holiday or renting a car for the weekend.
The metaphor I keep returning to is that you have to be a parent for yourself you never had. Caring. Patient. Loving. Occasionally, nudging yourself in the right direction, sure. But occasionally, it’s about giving yourself gifts and taking care of yourself emotionally.
Saving money and being rational is important, but it’s also true that nobody will if you don’t make good things happen for yourself. I know it’s my responsibility to make myself happy.
If you don’t do it, nobody will.
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Being Kind to ourselves.....always one of the hardest things to do but it does feel good when we do it :) Congratulations on the driving license.....when you grow up in the country where there is no real transportation you learn to drive as soon as possible (13 ) and get as license once legally possible (17)
Car ownership is also number one priority so we can drive to find life lol!
I really enjoyed your article because I’m exactly like you.