Gwyneth Paltrow, soft kittens, and cucumber masks
On the importance of self-care in times of stress.
I used to try to squeeze everything in. If there was a presentation at 9 AM, I assumed I needed to wake up and get a run-in before it. If I had a free block of time on my calendar, I would find a way to fill it. There was never enough time, always too much to do.
I still do this, sometimes. Old habits never really die. (Do people actually change? Not on TV, but in real life?) But the older I get, the more I see how important it is to take care of yourself; the less I judge myself for taking it easy; the easier it becomes to love myself.
Not a very manly thing to say, is it? The whole idea of loving yourself, taking care of yourself. All of it sounds too Gwyneth Paltrow, too Brene Brown, too touchy-feely. It smells of rose-scented candles and bath wash, and cucumber masks. Yet, men are also humans, and humans are all pretty much the same deep inside. They are all, as my wife likes to say, “soft little kittens” inside. The tougher on the outside, the softer inside.
If you don’t take care of yourself / love yourself / pay attention to yourself — who will?
I’ve been there — neglecting myself, pretending I don’t have feelings, pretending to care for something I didn’t, playing macho when I wanted to cry. I’ve paid for it with stomach ulcers, panic attacks, and thousands of dollars towards my therapist’s bank account. You can bullshit anyone but never yourself.
Shrinks have a metaphor for self-care. They say you must become your own best parent. Chances are, your upbringing wasn’t ideal (isn’t it all about parents?). When you are an adult, you can become the father/mother you never had. You can speak to yourself in the same way you want to talk to your child. Or a good friend.
You wouldn’t tell your kid, “Shut the fuck up. Man up. Suffer through. C’mon now! Ugh! Ugh! Ughhhhhh!!!.”
Or maybe you will, and that’s on you.
We’ll talk when, 20 years later, that kid will bring you the receipt from a psychiatric institution.
A common symptom that you need help and attention from yourself is chronic stress. It’s that moment when you keep yourself in a loop, “Why am I not productive? I am not tired, I just had a whole weekend; what’s the matter with me?!”
Nothing is the matter with you. Or maybe everything is. I don’t know, but it seems like your body is crying for help, and when you don’t pay attention to yourself, your body will make you.
By force.
I know I’ve overstretched myself when I crave to drink, smoke, or eat at Five Guys. All of your ‘bad’ habits are compensation for something in your life that’s broken.
There’s a hole in the boat. And it’s leaking.
The instinct is to speed up. Fuck that instinct. Slow down.
Why do we, type-A people, assume that everything exists in a linear progression? That if we ran 5K yesterday, we could run 7K today?
Sometimes you can only run 3K. Sometimes you don’t feel like running at all — and that’s fine. Ultimately, you’re doing it for yourself.
When external commitments can be pushed — rescheduled, cancelled, delayed — it’s essential to do that. Nothing will happen if you do X next week. You will still be there. And so will X.
When the external world can’t be manipulated — the money had been paid, the promises given, signatures signed — that’s where the art of self-support comes into play.
For some, it’s journaling. For others, watching football. Hell, it might be having sex, going for a walk, or even rose-scented candles and overpriced bath wash and cucumber masks. Go nuts.
For me, it’s putting my phone away and allowing myself to do absolutely nothing. Then maybe watching a standup show or reading something fun.
Whatever it is — it should work for you. It should nourish you. It should be yours. So don’t tell anybody what it is. The world can wait.
A stressful time calls for a change in your approach. Focus on what matters now and delay everything else. Say ‘no’ more. Exercise less to save energy. Eat better. Walk more. Be outside. Create white space: in your calendar, mind, and between sentences.
Then breathe, breathe, breathe.
The most important thing now is getting from A to B.
Sane. Healthy. Intact.